There have been a number of things lately that have made me think about how my husband & I are raising our boys. Things that encompass domestic violence, rape, sex, homophobia. I have always thought the best way to teach your children values was by example, and my boys could not have a better example than their father on how to treat women, how to be fair, how to do your best. He is an amazing husband and father. And an all-around stellar human being.
I was speaking with my mom last night, and she brought up the time she came across my brother, red-faced, clenching his fists, with steam blowing out his ears. "What’s the matter?" she asked. Brother answered, "I’m sooo mad at [insert sister’s name here]. And Dad says that I’m not allowed to hit girls. Ever. So I’m getting myself under control over here."
What a testament to my dad. He was an awesome man who never showed us anything but love. He taught my sister and me about what to expect from the man we chose to spend our lives with. He taught us to only accept a man who would treat us with respect, with love. Who would never demean us. That we were worth all that and so much more. And that’s what we both got. He taught my brother to be the kind of man I just described. One who treats his wife and daughters like queens. Who never hits, who shows respect, who believes in them. And that’s what my sister-in-law and nieces got.
And so I look at my own boys, who see me and their father interact every day. What do they see, I wonder? They see love, affection, people who aren’t afraid to share a hug, touching quietly and softly. They see a couple who aren’t afraid to laugh together, have water fights, tickle each other, or laugh at ourselves. They see a man who treats a woman like a queen. Like she is the most important thing in the world. Someone to be cherished. And yet, he still sees my faults (damn him). They see a couple who communicate, who present a united front to the world. Who are consistent in their parenting – rules don’t pop up unexpectedly with no possible hope of meeting the expectation. We pretty much live our lives by the Golden Rule. It’s as simple and basic as can be, but it’s also the most powerful rule there is.
A few things sparked my thoughts on all this. First, my oldest has a girlfriend. And I reminded the hubby a while back that it was time to have "the talk" again. Both about birth control (*cringing*) and about how to treat a woman. That "no" means no, no matter how far you’ve gone and no matter what you are doing. And yes, we know oldest knows all this. He’s a wonderful young man, sensitive and thoughtful. He’s funny. But he’s also intense. An A-type personality. He’s a definite mix of both hubby and me. I would only expect him to treat his girlfriend as he does. With respect, love, and laughter.
In the news, I see so much legislation coming both on the state and federal levels. Lawmakers that want to blame the victim of crimes, rather than the criminal. Statements that make the attempt to negate everything we’ve been taught and everything that we try to teach our children. Laws and statements that tell a man that rape isn’t their fault. How could they control themselves? She was asking for it. I’ve noted several on this blog already that really tripped my switch. The latest I saw was this morning. The state of Florida House education innovation committee has passed a bill prohibiting "saggy-pants" among other things. It requires school districts adopt a dress code that prohibits students from "wearing clothing that exposes underwear or body parts in an indecent or vulgar manner." Penalties include verbal warning and a call to parents for the first offense; ineligibility for extracurricular activities for up to five days on the second offense and in-school suspension on the third offense.
Don’t get me wrong. I HATE saggy pants, especially on my own children. And in theory, I have no issue with a dress code at school. But the House members imply that I can’t teach my children good values and how to treat others by stating that this law "Set(s) a standard that’s proper, and Lady Gaga can stand outside, Madonna can stay outside, Beyonce can stay outside. All those other people can stay outside ... Oh, by the way, (rapper) 50 Cent can stay outside too."
I don’t know about you, but I happen to think that Beyonce is a pretty good role model for young women of any color. And while I have my issues with Madonna and Lady Ga-Ga, they certainly embody the “do what makes you happy as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or anyone else” theory. And they are ground-breaking, empowered women. It doesn’t matter that I don’t care for their music, or even their public personas.
But the absolute worst came from Rep. Kathleen Passidomo (R-Naples), who said she'd recently read a horrible story out of Texas about the rape of a young girl. "There was an article about an 11 year old girl who was gangraped in Texas by 18 young men because she was dressed like a 21-year-old prostitute," she said. "And her parents let her attend school like that. And I think it’s incumbent upon us to create some areas where students can be safe in school and show up in proper attire so what happened in Texas doesn’t happen to our students."
Nobody in committee disputed her theory, which is appalling to me. Are they implying that by instituting a dress code, rape will disappear? Umm… I think not. And an 11 year old girl? Implying that she was asking to be raped by EIGHTEEN men? I beg to differ.
I bring this up because what does that do to the values and morals that Bob & I teach our own boys? Self-control. No means no. Treat a girl with respect. Treat others as you want them to treat you. Be kind.
What the Florida lawmaker has implied is that girls and women are responsible for their rapes because of how they dress. A theory that has taken decades to discount in the eyes of the public and the law. Yes, women can take obvious and careful steps to mitigate some risk factors: at night try not to walk alone. If possible, try to avoid areas that aren’t visible to others. Stay in groups. Look up. Be vigilant. Nowhere do the current guidelines for women’s safety note that you shouldn’t wear a short skirt.
Now, I have to be honest. I don’t have girls. I can’t imagine letting my girl out of the house in a slutty outfit. But what I consider slutty, is sometimes the height of fashion. I remember chafing at the bit when my own mom wouldn’t let me out of the house in my dolphin shorts (too short, and yes, I'm dating myself with the dolphin short reference) or makeup (not old enough) or any other thing I wanted to do. But after I left the house, I sneaked into the girl’s bathroom at school and put on my dolphin shorts and makeup. And at no time did any boy in my acquaintance rape me, or even attempt to do so. Because they were taught not to. To have self-control. To be kind. To treat others as you would want to be treated.
All the values the hubby & I try to instill in our own kids. I’ve said this over and over. You can’t legislate manners. You can’t legislate kindness. You can’t legislate tolerance. You can’t legislate values. And you can’t legislate good sense. You can, however, continue to teach your kids all these things by example.
And that’s why I’m the most fortunate woman in the world, and have the most fortunate children in the world. My husband is a one of a kind, shining example for them. And every day, I can see those values looking back at me in my kids’ eyes, on their faces, and in their actions.
(originally posted at my personal blog 3/17/2011, unlinked intentionally)
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