My women's health care & contraception debate (#1) with the GOP candidates

Source: UPI/Foxall

Moderator: Welcome to the first debate of 243 about women's health. Because nobody cares about jobs when there are women doing the nasty. We'll leave the jobs discussion to the President.


Moderator: Let's talk about birth control.
Romney: There is no issue about birth control! It's about freedom of religion!
Me: Uhhhh, noooo... I believe this entire issue is about access to reproductive healthcare for women.
Paul: The government should be out of our business. It's about liberty! Having said that, I'm an OB, so I should know. No reproductive healthcare for women! Because the more pregnant women there are, the more the free market will drive them to my OB office. I'll be rich! And can insist they pay me in gold, because GOLD STANDARD!! Wheee!
Gingrich: Look. Fuck you for having the audacity to bring this up when we all know President Obama approves of infanticide!
Me: Mr. Gingrich, you are aware that infanticide is hyperbolic language that implies the intentional and systematic murder of an entire group of people, in this case babies? Already born babies? How do you explain that he had 2 infants of his own who managed to escape his murderous rampage?
Gingrich: Fuck you for not agreeing with me.
Santorum: Birth control lets women "do things". Bad things. It's Satan.
Me: Like dooo eeeet with their husbands once they have 27 children and don't want a 28th because they can't afford to send 28 to college?
Santorum: Higher education is evil.
Me: *headdesk*

Moderator: Is the current birth control debate about subjugating women?
Paul: No! It's about liberty and getting the government out of our lives. Having said that, no birth control for women!!!
Gingrich: Fuck you for having the audacity to bring this up.
Santorum: Of course not! But if a woman truly loved her husband, she'd stay at home and have as many babies as he wanted and raise them up proper-like. To do anything else is the work of Satan. It's evil.
Me: So women are too stupid for self-determination over their own bodies, but we're smart enough to raise your children while you hunt and gather?
Santorum: Well sure. Because they do what their husband tells them to. It's in the bible.
Me: *headdesk*

Moderator: If birth control is wrong, what about condoms?
Santorum: What's a condom?
Paul: The government should be out of our business. It's about liberty! If I want to wear a condom as a man, I have the right to do so without government intervention.
Romney: Dude, I'm a Mormon. We don't do condoms.
Me: Why is it ok for men to be allowed access to birth control, but not women? Now, I know you only like this one sometimes, but the 14th amendment says that "No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws." In other words, men and women should have the same rights. And to deprive me of the LIBERTY of control over my own body is unconstitutional. Also, we need condoms to protect men and women from STDs. See? Health issue.
Santorum: First off, STDs for men is all about a gay disease. And those gays deserve what they get. Also, if we only allow sex after people get married, then there's no need to protect against STDs, because people wouldn't be getting ideas about doing unnatural bad things. I have a burning down here about this. Condoms are evil.
Me: Ahhh. So people never commit adultery and have sex with other people? Phew. What say you about that, Mr. Gingrich?
Gingrich: Fuck you for having the audacity to bring this up!
Me: *headdesk*

Moderator: Since birth control is about providing medical care to women in the form of a prescription for medication (duh, cuz there's no other way!), what say you about testosterone treatment for men whose levels are low?
Paul: Men deserve access to whatever treatment they need. The government should stay out of their business!
Romney: Men need their testosterone in order to have a gazillion babies. It's about the religious freedom to knock your wife up as many times as you want. Oh, and to be manly enough in the boardroom to make gazillions of dollars. Because MONEY!
Gingrich: Fuck you for bringing this up.
Santorum: Men need this in order to, you know, *whispers* dooo eeeet with their wives however many times it takes to keep them barefoot, pregnant, and subservient. To deny any man would be evil. Even if he's raping you. That is a gift from God, you know.
Me: So... hormone therapy is ok to be prescribed for a man for a medical condition, but not for a woman for a medical condition? Such as... ovarian cysts that are reduced with estrogen therapy, thus helping women keep those babymaking parts you so love.
Santorum: But women would use those treatments to, you know, do things they shouldn't be doing because it would also let them prevent pregnancies. Which would be evil. Because pregnancy is a gift, no matter who gives that sperm to you - be it hubby or rapist. Whichever. Just be thankful *pats me on head*.
Me: *headdesk*

Moderator: Why do you think women were excluded from the House hearing on "religious freedoms", which was really about denying contraceptive care to women?
Romney: Because women are irrelevant. In every way. They don't make enough money to be on my radar. Except as a bank to deposit my sperm, because MONEY!
Santorum: Because they should bow down at the feet of their God, who speaks through - you know... their husband. And do whatever He says. To do otherwise is evil.
Gingrich: Fuck you for having the audacity to bring this up.
Me: Because the 'right' is terrified that women are articulate, intelligent people who can easily make their case that religious freedom does not free any entity from following the law. And that the SCOTUS has already ruled on that. They are afraid that women will convince other women (and maybe even some men! The traitors!) that we are autonomous creatures fully capable of making our own decisions about everything including our bodies in conjunction with our family, our healthcare providers, and ONLY if desired, our religious leader.
Santorum & Romney: But our religion doesn't believe that! See? Religious freedom! War on religion! Secular agenda! Evil!!
Me: *headdesk*

Moderator: If this is being decided in State houses around the country for the most part, what's the big deal about a federal law?
Me: First of all, federal law supercedes state law. It's written in that Constitution that you all love so much. Federal law (meaning, the Constitution), which was upheld in Griswold v Connecticut, says that you can't deny birth control to women. And Roe v Wade says that you can't deny abortion to women. And furthermore...
Gingrich (interrupting): Fuck you for bringing this up.
Paul: It doesn't matter. The Federal Government is unconstitutional!
Me: Then how is it, Mr. Paul, that you are a member of the federal government? Are you breaking the law?
Paul: Well, somebody has to... and it's my right to do whatever I want, because... PERSONAL LIBERTY!! GOLD STANDARD!!
Santorum: Because we need someone to say once and for all that women wanting to do the nasty for any reason other than having a baby is wrong!! Wrong, I tell you. And even then, they shouldn't want to do it. They should lie there and take it until their husband (or their rapist, whatever) decides he's done. And agree that having so many babies that your uterus falls out is God's will. But in the meantime, I think the states have every right to decide the issues for themselves. Except when I don't agree with them.
Me: *headdesk*

Moderator: Well, thank you all. If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be?
Me: Frustrated.
Romney: Religious. Babymaker. (wait, that was two, but I'm allowed because I'm rich! RICH!)
Santorum: God.
Paul: Asshole.
Gingrich: Cheerful.
Me: *headdesk*