The truth about women's restrooms

In the wake of so many anti-LGBT bills sweeping across the country, there are a few that have made national and even international news. Looking at you, Tennessee, Mississippi, North Carolina, and Indiana.

The latest controversy is about allowing transgender individuals to use the restrooms of the gender with which they identify. The argument for these anti-trans laws is that "Oh my stars! *fans self* Men will be sharing a bathroom with mah little girl!"

Former baseball great and now sad shell of a human being Curt Schilling was fired from ESPN for unapologetically posting a meme showing a dude playing girly dress-up and derisively talking about him sharing the bathroom with your daughters.

Seriously? Just shut up Curt Schilling and everyone else.

The truth is that trans women don't consider themselves men. They consider themselves women. So men are not sharing a restroom with your precious daughter. Women are.

I will say this, however. I could give two shits even if men were to share public restrooms with women. Hey - do you want to know what goes on in women's public restrooms, men? I'll let you in on the truth of the ladies' room.

First off, women are disgusting. They seem to forget every bit of manners they ever learned when they hit a women's restroom. I'd be more worried about a trans woman's sensibilities as they entered this disgusting place than any cis woman or girl in the place.  So... here's how the women's restroom experience goes:

• Take a deep breath (trust me on this one)
• Enter the restroom
• Find a stall (hey - they all have doors! That lock!)
• Pray there's one where the disgusting woman who would never behave like this in her own home actually flushed.
• Avoid all the puddles (I DON'T want to know!) and the toilet paper all over the floor that's sure to stick to your shoes.
• Sit down and pray you don't get any gross diseases because the disgusting woman before you didn't actually hit the bowl.
• Do your business.
• Flush (if you're lucky, people do this. If not, well...)
• Unlock your locking stall door that gave you privacy to do your business.
• Wash your hands (PLEASE PEOPLE! FOR THE LOVE OF G-D WASH YOUR HANDS!)
• Look in the mirror and primp.
• Judge yourself in the mirror.
• Look judgmentally at all the other women in the mirror.
• Leave.

That's it. That is everything that happens in a women's public restroom.

In all of my years on this planet using public restrooms, I have never encountered anyone - female or male - that felt the need to flash their bits at me, touch me, or make unnecessary sexual comments at me.

On the way in and out? Sure. Because men are pigs. But once I'm in the restroom? Nada.

Frankly, women's restrooms are so gross that we all are just trying to get in and out as fast as humanly possible while touching as few surfaces as possible and taking as few breaths as possible.

So when you worry about your precious daughter sharing a bathroom with some horrible monster that you probably never even knew had a penis because they look like a woman, act like a woman, and ARE women, and are using the restroom IN A LOCKED STALL so that you can't see their bits as much as you don't want them to see yours, I suggest that you suck up your bigotry (but not with too deep a breath because ewwww, public restroom) and shut the fuck up about something you know nothing about.

Trans women and men are far more likely to be assaulted than to assault. And guess who assaults them? YOU, BIGOTS. The same bigots who force these "anti-everyone but cis white male" laws down our throats (hey, you dudes LOVE that analogy).

So stop all this rhetoric and learn facts (I know that goes against everything you stand for, but seriously). Live and let live. Stop with the I hate government until I want to discriminate then we neeeeed government shit.

Grow up.

Be a human being. Kind, compassionate, caring. All those things your Jesus tells you to do. And you luuurrrve the Jesus.

Stop using your religion as a weapon of hate.